Uncertainty

It's a rocky time right now at this house in Edmonds. I'm so uncertain about whether or not I'm going to be able to  ride from Montana onward. My gut says "no", and that is deeply disappointing personally. I have done so much inner and outer work to get prepared and geared up. It's also disappointing publicly as so many people have given love, support, advice, and encouragement to help me on my way. I was a mess this morning, grieving and conflicted as I tried to sort through and pack up my panniers for the trip with so many unknowns. Working on inner emotional "wiring" that makes me believe that I have to present myself as either smart and funny or else invisible to get along in this world. So daunting to think I'll show up to this group of cyclists who ARE all geared up positively to start riding across the country, and bring this basket of needs and uncertainties. I got through this week at work by acting philosophical and accepting of whichever path I end up taking. But I HATE not knowing, and would almost rather just decide not to bring my bike, just in order to have SOME decision.

I will have clearer direction in a week, as I'm driving the sag wagon and finally able to communicate with my surgeon. The question now is whether riding too soon, despite pain & discomfort, will interfere with full healing and possibly increase the scar from the incision. Which would make future cycling difficult. Maybe this ride for me needs to happen next year. 

Meanwhile, I'm packed and ready to drive the car with my bike & panniers (36 lbs. not counting bike), plus some walking shoes and a few paperback books to pass the time as I wait for my cyclists to ride their daily miles. And I will have at least a month of vacation, which will be good for my spirits. I expect happier posts once we get rolling.